You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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