He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
