so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Holy shit dude........stairs
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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