i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
