you guys were way drunker than both of me
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
