He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
