Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
