oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
