Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
