Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
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