dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
