Your dad touched me again.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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