i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Randomize
