is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Oh god it's open bar.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
