Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize