please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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