i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Randomize
