I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
