a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
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