Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
