my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
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