We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
