Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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