The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
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