Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
this just has baby written all over it
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
