why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
