I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
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