did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
