Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
