OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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