Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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