Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
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