im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
