Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
whose parrot is this?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
