the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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