Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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