hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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