I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
