Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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