Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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