my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize