I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Randomize
