defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
