So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
