Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Randomize