Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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