based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
