Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Randomize
