This is not my ceiling
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
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