This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
