I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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