I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
