i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize