You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
