I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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