Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
