I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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