god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
