After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
