he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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