U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I looked at my own cervix.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
