Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Randomize
