WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
