Don't make out with my wife yet
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
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