Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I am naked and annoyed.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
