her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
