how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
