gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
