I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
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