I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
