i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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