I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Randomize
